So, uni is not exactly what I expected; or should I say, uni is not the image I have been fed to believe. I haven't taken to my new lifestyle well. I've been here 8 weeks and I don't have any friends as such, no social life, my course is much harder than I expected and Student Finance are yet to help me with any money.
Since the first week of uni, the pressure on my relationship with Mark has taken it's toll. When I'm away from him I feel guilty and miserable, and when I'm with him I can barely muster a smile. This isn't his fault. I am in love with him. When I'm with him, I'm constantly mad at myself for wasting our time together by me being miserable. Surely he can't bare it for much longer. The last thing I need is to lose him.
Every conversation I have with him lately results in me crying. Every conversation I have with anyone lately results in me crying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I had considered that I maybe depressed and then ignored that idea, but today Mark even suggested I might be. I usually avoid googling health symptoms as this often results in people convincing themselves of the worst. However most of the symptoms are there.
Symptoms of depression
The symptoms of depression can be complex. If you are depressed, you often lose interest in things you used to enjoy. Depression commonly interferes with your work, social life and family life. There are many other symptoms, which can be psychological, physical and social.Psychological symptoms include:
- continuous low mood or sadness
- feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
- low self-esteem
- tearfulness
- feelings of guilt
- feeling irritable and intolerant of others
- lack of motivation and little interest in things
- difficulty making decisions
- lack of enjoyment
- suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself
- feeling anxious or worried
- reduced sex drive
Physical symptoms include:
- slowed movement or speech
- change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)
Yay.Social symptoms include:
- unexplained aches and pains
- lack of energy or lack of interest in sex
- changes to the menstrual cycle
- disturbed sleep patterns (for example, problems going to sleep or waking in the early hours of the morning)
It can take some time to recognise that you may be depressed. Depression may come on gradually and some people continue to deal with the symptoms without recognising them. It can take a friend or family member to suggest that something is wrong.
- not doing well at work
- taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
- reduced hobbies and interests
- difficulties in home and family life
Doctors describe depression by how serious it is
- Mild depression has some impact on your daily life.
I've been told I'm not myself and that people are worried about me. Anytime anyone asks me how I am over the phone, recently I'm finding it near impossible not to cry. Simply "I'm fine" are the hardest two words for me to say at the moment. I'm not fine. I'm so not fine.
I hate my flat, I have no energy, I can only sleep in the day or in the early hours, I can't admit to friends and family that uni isn't that good, I can't be myself because I need to make friends and noone wants to be friends with a girl who looks rough from constant crying and moping around. I can't ask for help because I'm embarrassed, I can't go out with any potential friends anyway because I have no money because- listen very carefully- Student Finance England are fucking shit.
I'm behind with work. I missed a week of lectures because I went back to Yorkshire when I was feeling sad. I can't admit that to my family though because I don't want them to worry. News like this is gold dust in the family watermill of gossip. "Laura's depressed, she's finding university too hard, we knew she wouldn't cope well". The high-end side of the family looking down on me from their high horses at the Christmas family gatherings- No thanks.
I can't fucking stand it. I'm at the end of my tether with Student Finance. Christmas is going to be fun with no money. "Get a job" Are you fucking kidding me? Get a job? My course is 100% coursework based- which I'm fine with, but I have very poor time management skills and a job would not balance well with my method of working, especially at the moment. Also, who is going to want to hire me? I can barely smile, nevermind submit a nice, gloating CV about how wonderful I am and how I would be a "valued, reliable, team player". Fuck off.
As for Chris trying to make me decide on living arrangements for next year, I will continue to be vague. I don't want to live with 4 girls so stop trying to make that happen.
Seeing Cathy and Jonny was a highlight, but even that failed to make an impact. The night was dissappointing after a promising start. I love them to bits but eventually reality overuled. Everyone sobered and I fell back into my new-found state of uncertainty about everything.
I'm mildly depressed, yes. Do I see things improving in the near future? Not really.
Right now I'm just trying to keep it together. I want to be left alone more than socialise with people at the moment, and then when I am left alone I feel sad and sorry for myself. I'm in a self destructive circle right now and I don't know how I'm going to get out of it.
So for now it's the sad playlist on itunes: Coldplay, Radiohead, the usual. It's not making me feel any better but as I said, I'm feeling self destructive. Don't be concerned, I'm sure it's just a phase.
Here's a picture of me looking appropriately cold and distant. Go me.
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